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Government & Economics
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Are you an American political junkie? Visit Fun With Politics
BUREAUCRACY
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You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. |
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AMERICAN BUREAUCRACY |
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you not to milk dairy cows. You sell cows to McDonalds. Imports of dairy products increase from Canada & Europe. |
| ANARCHY | You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a "fair price" or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. |
| FEUDALISM | You have two cows. Your lord takes the milk. Milk is banned for you... |
| FASCISM | You have two cows. Government takes both, hires you to take care of them & sells you the milk. |
| NAZISM | You have two cows. Government doesn't value you so it takes both cows & shoots you. |
| MILITARIANISM | You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. |
| DICTATORSHIP | You have two cows. The government takes both, enslaves you & sells & taxes you on the milk. |
| TOTALITARIANISM | You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. |
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PURE SOCIALISM |
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. |
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BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM |
You have two cows. Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken-farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. |
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WESTERN SOCIALISM |
You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else. |
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PURE COMMUNISM (Communalism) |
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. |
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THEORETICAL COMMUNISM |
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk. |
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APPLIED COMMUNISM |
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. |
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CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM |
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. |
| CAPITALISM | You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. |
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HONG KONG CAPITALISM |
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using bank letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law. Then you execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad. |
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CLINTONIAL NEW CAPITALISM |
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull; take out huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on; then you try to milk the bull, and blame the Japanese for its lack of production. |
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PURE DEMOCRACY |
You have two cows. Your neighbors vote to decide who gets the milk. |
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REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY |
You have two cows. Your neighbors vote for someone to tell you who gets the milk. |
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AMERICAN DEMOCRACY |
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". |
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BRITISH DEMOCRACY |
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. |
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SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY |
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. |
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AMERICAN CONSERVATISM |
You have two cows. Using government incentives, an owner with seven cows acquires one of your cows. You are promised you will somehow get more milk this way. |
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AMERICAN LIBERALISM |
You have two cows. The government takes almost all the milk they produce and give it to people too lazy to take care of any cows of their own. |
| ENVIRONMENTALISM | You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. |
| FEMINISM | You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. |
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POLITICAL CORRECTNESS |
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines (cows) of non-specified gender. |
| SURREALISM | You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. |
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MIND-ALTERED COUNTERCULTURE |
Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. . . . You have **got** to try some of this milk. |
| LIBERTARIANISM | You have two cows. Without government regulations, you are free to feed them dangerous hormones and chemicals. Everyone who drinks their milk dies. |
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AMERICAN LIBERTARIANISM |
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." |
ISLAMIC REPUBLIC |
You have two cows and you think you own them, but you don't. The government owns them. Nobody takes care for the cows and government takes all the milk and trades it for weapons from Israel and U.S. When the cows are not happy giving their milk, the government accuses you of being Mofsede-Fel-Arz for spying against them in favor of Israel and U.S. and puts you on phony trial. |
 AMERICAN& CANADIAN LAWYERISM |
You note that the milk from two cows has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the cows' owner,the regional dairy cooperative, the distributor and a grocery store chain. Yes settle out of court for $1,000,000. After expenses, the 20 lactose-intolerant milk drinkers get 10 cents each. You get $333,333. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk, shoots the cows and moves to Mexico. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op goes out of business. Government passes a law making your job easier the next time. |
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AMERICAN REPUBLICAN |
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? |
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AMERICAN DEMOCRAT |
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. |
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AMERICAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself & do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows & are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized & are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. |
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BELGIUM CORPORATION |
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. |
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BRAZILIAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. |
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BRITISH CORPORATION |
You have two cows. They are both mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please. |
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CHINESE CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them. |
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FRENCH CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. |
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GERMAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. |
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ITALIAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. |
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IRAQI CORPORATION |
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. |
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INDIAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You worship both of them. |
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ISREALI CORPORATION |
You have these two cows. They open a milk factory, and an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? |
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JAPANESE CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. |
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POLISH CORPORATION |
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. |
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RUSSIAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. |
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SWISS CORPORATION |
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. |
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TALIBAN CORPORATION |
You have all the cows (only two) in Afghanistan. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the UN to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. |
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CALIFORNIA GOVERNMENT |
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. |
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FLORIDA VOTING |
There is a black cow and a brown cow running for "Best Cow". Everyone gets to vote for the best looking one. Some people vote for neither. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. |
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